{"id":329,"date":"2020-08-10T18:59:24","date_gmt":"2020-08-10T18:59:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hvacvaluations.com\/?p=329"},"modified":"2025-06-18T08:34:44","modified_gmt":"2025-06-18T08:34:44","slug":"24-ways-to-keep-your-marriage-strong-after-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hvacvaluations.com\/index.php\/2020\/08\/10\/24-ways-to-keep-your-marriage-strong-after-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"24 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Strong After Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"

My husband and I have been together for eight years now and married seven in October. I was blessed with a great guy that was the answer to years of prayer, but I can honestly say that marriage really does get better with time when it\u2019s nurtured!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It takes intentionality to build a happy, healthy relationship, especially after kids are in the picture (we should know, we have three under six!), but it\u2019s absolutely possible for anyone who is willing to be diligent in the pursuit of their spouse!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

These are some of the habits we prioritize that have helped us build a happy, loving, lasting marriage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Prioritize date night.<\/b><\/h2>\n

This one is #1 for good reason! It\u2019s so important to remember who you are without kids in the equation \u2013 with absolutely no guilt for babysitters! You need help and you need that time. Everybody needs help and it doesn\u2019t make you a lesser parent for gracious accepting help or reaching out when it\u2019s needed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Keeping time with just the two of you a priority will help you remember who you are without the kids in the picture. This is so crucial because one day, they won\u2019t need you in the same way. If you don\u2019t make the time to grow together through this season of parenting, you\u2019ll end up growing apart instead. Then one day when they\u2019re gone, you might find that you can\u2019t remember what you ever had in common because for the last 18 years, the kids <\/span>have<\/span><\/i> been what you\u2019ve had in common!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Challenge yourself to create time to spend together that is great quality time to make you feel more emotionally connected. You\u2019ll feel refreshed and recharged at the end of it (promise). If you need some creative ideas, <\/span>read this<\/span><\/i><\/a>!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Pro tip:<\/b> hug, kiss, hold hands, and look in each other\u2019s eyes. <\/span>Act like you\u2019re dating. <\/span><\/i>No matter how familiar you are, sometimes that season of newness and excitement in the beginning has a way of showing itself during quality time. I get that parents can\u2019t always get a sitter for date night. I know we can\u2019t! If that sounds like you, <\/span>this list of fun and romantic date nights at home<\/span><\/i><\/a> will save your dating life!<\/span><\/p>\n

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READ NEXT:<\/span>\u00a0 The Ultimate List of Date Ideas: 1000 Date Ideas for Couples<\/span><\/div>\n

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Make time for intimacy.<\/b><\/h2>\n

Being intimate together<\/a> is so necessary because it makes you feel more emotionally connected! Make it a goal a few times a week to get the kids in bed early to spend some time together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Try something new to keep it more exciting. \"\ud83d\ude09\"<\/span><\/p>\n

Pro tip: <\/b>Intimacy begets intimacy and lack of it does the same. The more you do it, the more you do it, and the less you do it, the less you do it. Also bear in mind that intimacy has levels, and I\u2019ll leave you to interpret that however you will.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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READ NEXT:<\/span>\u00a0 The Incredible Importance of Self Care in Marriage<\/span><\/div>\n

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Have goals both individually and together that you\u2019re actively working on.<\/b><\/h2>\n

Working together toward a common goal will help you bond, often without you even realizing it! Support each other\u2019s individual goals and be in each other\u2019s corner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

You\u2019re each other\u2019s biggest cheerleader. On the same token, you also have the loudest voice of discouragement in your spouse\u2019s life. The words you choose and your support and encouragement or lack of it can make or break them.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Always have eyes only for each other.<\/b><\/h2>\n

Make it a habit not to be checking people out on TV or when you\u2019re walking around together. It\u2019s hurtful and degrading to your partner. They know your heart better than anybody and still signed up to love you no matter what, and I can\u2019t think of a lower blow than to insult their commitment to you by expressing your physical attraction to someone else.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looks are gone quickly anyway, and like I tell my kids, <\/span>a kind heart will still be kind when you\u2019re old and wrinkly.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I promise you <\/span>a loyal heart is far more valuable than appearances<\/span><\/i>. People can change, but the pillars of who they are that are ingrained deep and intertwined into the fabric of their being remain the same unless God intervenes. A good man is going to be a good man in 60 years; decades beyond when his physical appearance has changed.<\/span><\/p>\n

I would much rather have a kind and loving heart that has my back in my corner (and I\u2019m blessed to).<\/span><\/p>\n

Kiss and hug often.<\/b><\/h2>\n

And let the kids see you!<\/span><\/p>\n

Become a noticer of his strengths and not only of his weaknesses.<\/b><\/h2>\n

I love this quote from Matt Chandler. It\u2019s such a reminder to fixate on the things your husband does well (and express them to him) and less on the things that are not his strongest suits.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Nobody wants to be with someone who\u2019s always on their case. Men need a strong woman building them up to help them grow into the full potential of the man they can be.<\/span><\/p>\n

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READ NEXT:<\/span>\u00a0 What a Husband Needs From His Wife: 5 Essential Things<\/span><\/div>\n

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Travel together.<\/b><\/a><\/h2>\n

Both with and without the kids! This goes back to remembering who you are without them in the equation, because it started with you and him, and one day it\u2019ll be that way again.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Doing things together helps you grow together so you don\u2019t grow apart.<\/span><\/i> If you\u2019re spending time together often without the kids now, you\u2019ll remember things you have in common and your relationship will still be strong so it won\u2019t crumble when the kids are gone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If the kids are all you have in common, one day when they don\u2019t need you in the same way, that can set the stage for your marriage to fall apart, if you let it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Do and talk about new things often<\/b>.\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

This helps to keep things exciting and avoid emotional ruts from mundane \u201clife stuff\u201d.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Try to talk often about exciting things that go beyond when the water bill is due, who acted like wild gazelle frolicking on the great grasslands, or who didn\u2019t eat her broccoli at dinner (again). Look toward th future. Always been playing and always let things break up the mundane. Get take out from a new place or start a garden. Plan a trip you\u2019d like to take or talk about a dream you\u2019ve always had.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mundane things are necessary but they get so stale and if you\u2019re not careful, can throw you into a rut where you just start to feel like roommates. You\u2019re so much more than that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Make it a habit to help each other in mundane things.<\/b><\/h2>\n

My husband and I have been a team in everything from births, to funerals, to kid baths, yard work, to figuring how how we\u2019re going to pay our rent and get out of debt, to dishes, to laundry, and everything in between that makes life, life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve been a team in hospital rooms, bedtime routines, house projects and up and down in the middle.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Being a team in the mundane will help you bond without even realizing it<\/span><\/i> and you will automatically be there for the other without a second thought.<\/span><\/p>\n

Use life giving words.<\/b><\/h2>\n

You have his ear better than anyone and can encourage him (or discourage him) better than anyone. Choose your words wisely.<\/span><\/p>\n

Affirm and reaffirm him often.<\/b><\/h2>\n

I guess this one goes along with life giving words, but it feels different to me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I was listening to something on the radio the other day that I just loved. The speaker said something about how every man has a little boy on the inside of him, and the support of a good wife can help him absolutely blossom, or lack thereof can have the exact opposite effect.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

That struck me because of the growth and change I\u2019ve seen in Joey. We got together when we were in high school, so I feel like we\u2019ve grown up together. Hearing those words and thinking about my husband made me think I could have had a small hand in the positive change and growth he\u2019s gone through in the last eight years.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pray & worship together.<\/b><\/h2>\n

I can\u2019t think of many things that bond you to people quite like praying and worshipping together!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When we invite Jesus in, peace, rest and joy come in boatloads that cannot be found anywhere else.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Praising and praying together weave together the fibers of your spiritual beings and takes you to a whole different dimension of bonded.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hold each other to certain standards.<\/b><\/h2>\n

There have been times my husband and I have not been operating at our best, especially with our kids or when we\u2019re very tired. There have been times we each have stepped in with the kids when the other was too frustrated, had been dealing with a tantruming kid too long, or was simply too tired. <\/span>The key here is that it\u2019s always discrete.<\/span><\/i> The kids don\u2019t see that part because in front of them, you\u2019re a united front.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have reminded him that I prayed for him and held him to the standard I know he can rise to meet, and he\u2019s done the same for me. <\/span>Build each other up, make each other better, and hold each other accountable when necessary and you\u2019ll both be better people for it.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\"A<\/p>\n

Back each other in front of the kids<\/b>.\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

It\u2019s so important to always present a united front. Whether you actually agree or not, in front of them, you\u2019re one. If you need to disagree, do your disagreeing in private.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t let the kids divide and conquer because they\u2019ll pick up on that when it\u2019s an option and attempt to drive a wedge in between you. It\u2019s human nature. Don\u2019t let them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t discuss discipline in front of the kids.<\/b><\/h2>\n

Joey and I have one kid that you can give a stern look and she cracks, one that requires more creative discipline that has sent me to bed in tears feeling like an absolute failure as a mom, and one that is yet to be determined but seems like a perfect blend of the first two.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just a few weeks ago, Sis that needs more creative discipline was acting like a banshee on a day we happened to be about to go to a friend\u2019s birthday party at a play place that night.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We told her we didn\u2019t know if she\u2019d be able to go and went in the bedroom to \u201cdiscuss it\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was actually kind of funny because we knew the threat would be enough to straighten her back up and had no intention of not letting her go, but we wanted to make her sweat a little.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This goes back to disagreeing in private. Some things just need to be between mom and dad because the kids don\u2019t call the shots.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pro tip:<\/b> Maybe this is a bit of a tangent or a parenting tip more than a marriage tip, but it feels worthy to mention that if you want your kids to listen to and respect you individually, you can\u2019t be calling on dad to be the big guns (\u201cWait till your dad gets home\u201d; \u201cDo you want me to call your dad?\u201d etc.).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They have to know that they listen to you and you can bring the thunder with or without the other parent present. <\/span><\/i>If you are always calling on another figure of authority, pretty soon that is going to strip you of yours and relay the message that you can\u2019t handle them. That\u2019s a whole new can of worms.<\/span><\/p>\n

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READ NEXT:<\/span>\u00a0 11 Things to Talk About Before Having Kids<\/span><\/div>\n

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Fight fair.\u00a0<\/b><\/h2>\n

My husband and I very rarely really argue. I can probably count the times we\u2019ve had a real fight on one hand. But when we do, it\u2019s always respectfully. Absolutely no name calling, low blows, \u201cyou always\u2026.\u201d phrases, bringing up something hurtful he did five years ago, etc.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

You can disagree with love and meet in the middle without emotionally damaging your spouse. Always. And <\/span>if you\u2019re too mad to do that, walk away until you can<\/span><\/i>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Patch things up before bed. Apologize from your heart, hug and kiss and make it real. Never go to bed angry or take a fight to a second location. Hash it out with love.<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t be afraid to apologize.<\/b><\/h2>\n

Along with fighting fair, apologize and apologize often. Be a big enough person to own your mistakes. Don\u2019t be afraid to be vulnerable in your apologies and \u201creset\u201d.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes if I\u2019m angry and I need a minute, I have my minute then I go up to Joey and say \u201creset\u201d. We hug and kiss and we\u2019re good after that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Have a reset button then move on and don\u2019t talk about it again.<\/span><\/p>\n

Grow together or you\u2019ll grow apart.<\/b><\/h2>\n

The person you marry will change. Period. It\u2019s part of life. Change is the only thing that is inevitable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The thing is, when you sign on to do the rest of your life with someone, you have a choice to grow together or grow apart and a large part of that is taking interest in the hobbies and things going on in your spouse\u2019s life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Support each other, be a team, and do things together so you keep things in common. Show an interest in what he\u2019s doing. Ask him to explain something to you or share your heart with him about something in your life; even if it\u2019s just the kids running the house like wild buffalo today.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

You\u2019ll always be growing. Make sure it\u2019s together.<\/span><\/p>\n

Go to bed together.\u00a0<\/b><\/h2>\n

I don\u2019t know why this one has seemed to help us feel more like \u201cone\u201d. We always go to bed together or very close to it. Usually he ends up in the shower and I sit up in bed, writing, reading or making pins until he lays down.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what it is about it, but it promotes unity.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kiss, lay down together, and go to sleep in peace; never angry.<\/span><\/p>\n

Get out of debt.<\/b><\/h2>\n

I have heard it said that the two greatest causes of divorce are intimacy and money. That\u2019s good news, because both of those can be remedied! Debt can be absolutely crushing and an incredible strain when it gets to that point.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you haven\u2019t heard of it, I absolutely recommend Dave Ramsey\u2019s 7 Baby Steps!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We have actually paid off a large chunk of debt and are still actively working on it. This one is so important to be on the same page on!<\/span><\/p>\n

Equality matters.<\/b><\/h2>\n

I have been a stay at home mom since I had our first baby over five years ago. There has always been a part of me that has been unhappy with the fact that I haven\u2019t steadily contributed to our home financially since. Something Joey has always done is called our money \u201cours\u201d; never \u201chis\u201d because he\u2019s the one that brings home (most of) the bacon. It\u2019s our bacon because it\u2019s our home.<\/span><\/p>\n

It matters how you label things. When you signed on to be one, that made your things \u201cour things\u201d.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It made your checking account, cars, house, kids, etc. \u201cours\u201d and it matters to call it as such. Keep your own toothbrush but you get where I\u2019m going here.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a reminder that \u201cyour life\u201d is now \u201cour life\u201d. It\u2019s all intertwined, and it\u2019s absolutely beautiful.<\/span><\/p>\n

Always look for ways through, not ways out.<\/b><\/h2>\n

In my opinion, if you even so much as enter into marriage with divorce as an option, that already sets you up for trouble. You need to be looking for ways through the rough spots together, not ways out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In your life, there are going to be times where your love feels more absent than present and vice versa, but how you feel for a small stretch of time is irrelevant. Love is more than a feeling. It\u2019s a covenant, not a piece of paper. The paper is a custom. The intertwining of your souls is not.<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019re supposed to love our spouse as Jesus loves the church, His bride, and there should be no outs because Jesus is not looking for escape routes when we\u2019re unlovable. He\u2019s always actively pursuing us in spite of the fact that we are not always lovable, and we\u2019re supposed to be imitators of God in everything we do. That\u2019s the goal in a real, Christ-centered, loving marriage and that is the secret to making it last and get sweeter over time.<\/span><\/p>\n

Know each other\u2019s love languages and dialects become fluent in speaking it.<\/b><\/h2>\n

A few years ago, Joey and I went through and read the 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman and we learned so much about ourselves and each other!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was so much fun to learn about how to love each other in the way we receive it rather than the way we want to express it, and it has been a serious game changer for us! You can read more about the 5 Love Languages and how it impacted us <\/span>here<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Prioritize family time.<\/b><\/h2>\n

Both family time and one on one time with each child is so crucial to emotional well being and a happy home! Let them hear laughter. Teach them forgiveness. Spend time explaining mundane things to them. Take them to parks and on family walks.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Take them to outlandishly loud play places and let them play until the fall over! Go to zoos, farms, and aquariums and put your phone away to be fully present and soak in the moments of their childhood that will be over before you know it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Whether it\u2019s good or bad, your children will likely spend the rest of their life chasing the examples set in their home.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Make them good ones.<\/span><\/p>\n

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About the author: Hannah Wilhelm is a wife and mom of three girls. She founded her blog with a dream and a vision to create a community of women who love God and love each other. She wanted to encourage other moms, make them laugh, and give young women tools to weave together the love of God and personal growth to live up to her full potential.<\/em><\/p>\n

When she isn\u2019t busy creating content, she enjoys cooking, painting, yoga, reading, dates with her husband, creating quality experiences with her family, and working on becoming the best version of herself. She and her husband have been married for 6 years and have three girls ages 5, 4, and 17 months.<\/em><\/p>\n

You can read more from Hannah on motherhood, pregnancy, blogging tips, personal growth and development and more on Tinyjoyfultreasures.com.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

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