These were questions I put to my husband (then-boyfriend) Nathan at 26, 27, 28, and occasionally, at 29.<\/p>\n
Finally, I can say that, for the most part, (at 35), I no longer ask these questions. I no longer seek constant reassurance of his love for me. I no longer feel insecurity in relationships. And the story has a happy ending. I got through this issue. We got through the issue together. We\u2019ve now been married for 5+ years and we are in a better, more loving place than ever.\u00a0<\/p>\n
That\u2019s not to say that I\u2019m *completely cured.* While the constant need for reassurance may have gone away, now and again anxiety rears its ugly head and I find I\u2019m reverting to old behaviors. Yep, it still happens. (See next: Anxiety in Relationships<\/a>)<\/span><\/p>\n That\u2019s because I\u2019m a work in progress. Luckily, those moments of anxiety are never as intense or debilitating as they once were. I\u2019ve developed the tools and resources to deal with them. And it also helps to have a tremendously loving (and patient) partner who learned how to help me feel more secure<\/a>.<\/p>\n In so many ways I am free now from needing reassurance and I am far happier and more at peace.<\/span><\/p>\n But why was I like this? Why did it take so long to get over? What\u2019s the story with looking for nonstop reassurance? And for others who are wondering how to feel secure in a relationship, what can you do to heal?<\/p>\n In this post, I\u2019m going to tell you my story, how I discovered how to stop needing reassurance from my boyfriend and what has helped me grow. I have practical, real-world tips on how to stop seeking reassurance in a relationship, so buckle up and let\u2019s dive in together.<\/span><\/p>\n PS: You\u2019ll want to read this post next: What is Real Love? \u2013 A Practical Guide for Humans With Hearts<\/a><\/p>\n The need for reassurance is actually a universal, human one.\u00a0 That\u2019s good news. It means that looking for comfort and security are completely normal things that we all do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s when that all that reassurance doesn\u2019t actually reassure<\/em> us that things start to grow problematic. We then fall into a pattern of asking the same questions over and over, seeking for the magic fix, the final answer or the one thing<\/em> that will finally make us feel better. The thing that will finally make us feel secure.\u00a0<\/p>\n But we soon discover that this kind of endless searching is in vain, and the demand for a balm for our anxiety is fruitless.\u00a0<\/p>\n Reassurance seeking is not only limited to relationships. People seek reassurance for a range of concerns and through a variety of mediums. Some people seek reassurance from friends or family about their personal concerns.<\/p>\n Others look for reassurance through nonstop Googling, whether it be for health worries or any other issue. We sometimes think if we just research long and hard enough, we will find our answer.<\/p>\n Or in my case, if I ask my partner just ONE more time if he really loves me<\/a>, I will finally<\/em> feel secure.<\/p>\n <\/a><\/div>\n This is a very personal story to share on the vast, boundless Interwebs, but I think letting others hear how it was for me could help them. If you\u2019ve ever struggled with overcoming insecurity in relationships or wondered how to stop needing constant reassurance<\/span>, I hope this post can be a comfort and help to you.<\/p>\n Your story might be something like mine. Or it might be totally different.\u00a0<\/p>\n I\u2019m no psychologist, but I know I had no deficit of love growing up. My mom loved me tremendously, was very affectionate, and provided for my every need. I never felt that I wasn\u2019t loved or cared for.<\/p>\n My father passed away when I was barely 3 years old. I have no real memory of him or of his death, and to be honest, I have never felt \u2018actively\u2019 sad about it. It\u2019s like hearing about the passing of a distant relative you never met. And my mom was an amazing single parent, so I didn\u2019t feel the lack of a second parent. But perhaps that idea of loss was integrated into my impressionable brain. Maybe it contributed to my future abandonment fears.\u00a0<\/p>\n I was what you\u2019d call a sensitive child. Although I was nearly always happy, it didn\u2019t take much to upset me and I cried very easily. I had a lot of fears and anxieties growing up and I hated conflict.<\/p>\n Not much changed over the years. I still hate conflict and will avoid it at all costs.\u00a0<\/p>\n Somewhere along the way, I grew to equate conflict with a lack of love. I have no idea how this originated. If anything, maybe it was just my hypersensitivity that made me very much aware of people\u2019s feelings and aware of the \u201cwhat ifs\u201d of life. Then, at 23, I had a painful, unexpected breakup with my boyfriend <\/a>of 4 years.<\/p>\n I had discovered that someone could hide their true feelings from me and then suddenly be completely gone from my life. It\u2019s highly likely this is when I went down the path of feeling insecure in a relationship, and when my reassurance-seeking started.<\/p>\n Nathan and I started dating in 2012, and it didn\u2019t take long for me to start freaking out.\u00a0<\/p>\n It didn\u2019t help that the first year and a half we were long-distance. That situation can be so tough and wreak havoc on the mind of an anxious person. And while I move fast and am prone to jumping \u201call in\u201d right away, Nathan is a much slower, more thoughtful person in relationships. He moved with deliberation and care. He wasn\u2019t \u201csure\u201d as quickly as me, and to my anxious mind, that was terror!<\/p>\n In a lot of ways, we came to the relationship from opposite ends of the spectrum.\u00a0<\/p>\n Our attachment styles, personalities, and each of our own separate anxieties went head to head. He\u2019s a major introvert. I\u2019m an extrovert.\u00a0<\/p>\n I was pushing. He was pulling away.\u00a0<\/p>\n He is a person who needs time to sort through his thoughts; who doesn\u2019t say anything unless he really means it. I am someone who needs constant reassurance (or at least I used to be) and I want it right now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n So as you might imagine, this led to some painful times. And despite those, we were growing closer and more in love.\u00a0<\/p>\n But for me, it was getting worse.\u00a0<\/p>\n Here I was with a sweet and loving partner who was there for me, living with me, choosing to travel the world with me, and so much more, and I could not stop questioning his love for me or asking for constant reassurance of his feelings.\u00a0<\/p>\n You might be thinking, well, maybe your partner actually didn\u2019t love you<\/em> and wasn\u2019t showing it to you. Or perhaps he was emotionally unavailable.<\/a> Nothing could be further from the truth.<\/p>\n Sometimes, there may be very real signs that a person does not love or respect you in the right way. If a partner is continually dishonest with you, belittles you in public or in private, acts controlling, is verbally abusive, or doesn\u2019t respect you, such things are fairly obvious.\u00a0<\/p>\n These are clear relationship red flags<\/a> and it is no surprise that you\u2019d be unsure of your partner\u2019s love. (Of course, with the blinders of infatuation on, these negative things can go largely unnoticed. A good tip is sometimes to ask your friends what they think. These people have your back and they will let you know if your partner isn\u2019t treating you the way you deserve.)<\/p>\n But that was not the case here.<\/p>\n <\/a><\/div>\n Even when I was at my most anxious, I was logically aware that Nathan was incredibly loving, generous, patient, kind, affectionate, and respectful. He never raised his voice in anger, never belittled me, never was cruel, and he never has been. He\u2019s a genuinely amazing person.\u00a0<\/p>\n Oh, and it is vital that I mention that Nathan gave me TONS OF REASSURANCE.<\/strong> That\u2019s the problem with the cycle of anxiety and reassurance seeking. Even when Nathan was saying the very words I wanted to hear, and demonstrating his caring to me through his actions, it still wasn\u2019t enough.<\/p>\n So even as I felt the anxiety of \u201cdoes my partner love me\u201d, I always knew it had no basis in truth. The relationship was wonderful. This is how I knew I had to turn inward to fix what was breaking down.<\/p>\n I no longer want to be the girl who constantly needs reassurance.\u00a0<\/p>\n So how did I stop?<\/p>\n It sounds cliche, but the best way to quit constantly needing reassurance is to learn to love yourself. <\/span><\/p>\n I know that the idea of self-love can feel frou-frou. I\u2019m not the type to stand in front of the mirror and hug myself and tell myself I\u2019m beautiful and worthy. But I did have to take steps to learn to love and trust myself. And pretty much everything else on the journey flows from this one single idea. Let\u2019s keep going.<\/p>\n Self-care is really important, and it\u2019s essential on the path to self-love. You have to focus on your total wellbeing. From eating better to enjoying simple pleasures like hot baths and good books, to making sure to move your body once in awhile. These are huge ways to combat anxiety. When your mind is clear, there\u2019s less room for the scary thoughts to come swirling around.<\/p>\n You have to spend time on your own. Learn to delight in your own company. Meditation is a great tool to use as it helps you stay grounded and allows you to examine what\u2019s going on inside. I had to learn to take time to be quiet and centered. The distractions of everyday life definitely contribute to my anxiety when it flares up.<\/p>\n <\/a><\/div>\n I love writing, and journaling about my fears and feelings was super helpful. This helped me dissect them (without asking for external reassurance) and allowed me to see the reality when I was stuck in my worries. It clearly demonstrated the facts and helped me see that I was feeling insecure in a relationship for no reason.<\/p>\n Finding tools to help you is vital. Part of my journaling was a life-changing practice called Inner Bonding<\/a>. Be sure to check it out as it can really make a difference.<\/p>\n For me, this entailed identifying and connecting with a few different \u201cparts\u201d of myself, including my Inner Child, my Wounded Self, and my Loving Adult. My Loving Adult helped me navigate my fears and insecurities and silence my fear-based Wounded Self.<\/p>\n Essentially, this was a way for me to become my own comforter, reassurance-giver, and wise spirit. Interestingly, the Loving Adult was there within me all the time, but only with contemplative practice did she discover how to come out and let me trust her. This step was probably the single most important thing I did to heal from my reassurance seeking.<\/p>\n Ultimately, while this was about me and my own issues, I had to take a look at the way I approached my relationship. I did this through journaling, self-reflection, and therapy.\u00a0<\/p>\n I realized that I was so afraid of \u201cwhat if\u2019s\u201d that I was failing to trust Nathan fully. And it didn\u2019t matter that Nathan is the most trustworthy person I ever met. I had no cause to think he was planning to leave me or hurt me.\u00a0<\/p>\n Love is scary and it is always a risk, but you have to be all in. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Eventually, my brain caught up with my heart and I started to just put my trust in him more and more.<\/p>\n Uncertainty is one of those things your anxiety latches onto so easily. It\u2019s not uncommon to have those \u201cwhat if\u2019s\u201d<\/a> leaving you with\u00a0feelings of insecurity in a relationship.<\/p>\n What if you or your partner dies? What if one of you cheats? What if you want a divorce? The simple truth is you cannot live your life wondering about what may or may not happen. All you can do is your very best with the information you have at any given moment.<\/p>\n And if your partner has shown himself to be a reliable, trustworthy, and loving person in the past, then by all probability, that behavior will only continue!<\/p>\n Despite the inherent uncertainty of relationships, when you decide to commit to someone, you just have to commit to working hard, loving through action, and sticking with your relationship through all its trials and tribulations. We wouldn\u2019t need to take vows if we knew everything was going to be smooth sailing, would we?<\/p>\n Insecurity and anxiety go hand in hand, but you sometimes have to just take the leap. (Check out this excellent book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway<\/a><\/em>).<\/p>\n I found that one big contributor to my need for seeking reassurance was my fear of conflict. Ugh. My issue was that I viewed even minor tiffs as \u201cconflict.\u201d For some reason, I equated the idea that if Nathan got annoyed with me, he would leave me. It was totally illogical.<\/p>\n He was really instrumental in helping me with this, through his patience and his helpful way of reminding me even during arguments that his feelings hadn\u2019t changed he still loved me. And I\u2019ve since grown much more comfortable navigating any tense moments that arise. (Because they do. We\u2019re human).<\/p>\n I can\u2019t stress how important it is to learn to accept conflict as a natural part of a relationship. It\u2019s not a \u201cdeath knell.\u201d It\u2019s not a sign of something deeper. Normal, regular conflict is expected and healthy. When you start seeing it in this way, it becomes much less scary and far easier to actually deal with.\u00a0<\/p>\n If you do find handling conflict to be a challenging process, don\u2019t be afraid to get outside help. Resources online can help, like this one.<\/a><\/p>\n <\/a><\/div>\n Getting to a healthy relationship with the idea of reassurance is important. Just because you\u2019re working to no longer need constant<\/em> reassurance does not mean that you don\u2019t need it at all! On the contrary, it\u2019s smart to figure out what healthy relationship reassurance would look like for you. <\/span><\/p>\n Discuss the following with your partner: What does reassurance mean in a relationship? In our relationship, specifically?<\/span><\/p>\n What are some examples of reassurance in a relationship that would be helpful to you?<\/span><\/p>\n What makes you feel loved? What makes you feel secure?<\/p>\n Building on the previous tip, figuring out you and your partner\u2019s love language<\/a> can be a huge help towards ensuring you feel secure and reassured.\u00a0<\/p>\n Not knowing your love languages can actually contribute to the problem, because it can reveal unmet and unknown expectations.<\/p>\n I learned that I contributed to my own anxiety through my expectations. I am an extremely verbal person. I love being told sweet things, I adore written cards and letters, and a well-placed compliment never goes unappreciated! Surprise, my love language is \u201cWords of Affirmation.<\/a>\u201d<\/p>\n But while my love language is words, that isn\u2019t Nathan\u2019s. And here I was waiting for him to pour out his adoration almost nonstop (very unrealistic). No wonder I was second-guessing his affections and freaking myself out. He thought he was showing his love in other ways, but I just wasn\u2019t \u201chearing\u201d it.\u00a0<\/p>\n Together, we\u2019ve worked to discover one another\u2019s and to learn how to give love in the way the other person most needs and desires it.<\/p>\n By the same token, I\u2019ve learned how to see love in the other languages, to notice that it\u2019s always all around me, even when not spoken (although Nathan tells me he loves me many times every day).<\/p>\n The\u00a0The 5 Love Languages<\/a> Did this article resonate with you? Want to go more in-depth with all this stuff? I\u2019ve written an ebook just for fellow reassurance-seekers like myself. I\u2019d love for you to check out my book Do You Love Me? How to Stop Seeking Reassurance in Relationships<\/em>.<\/a> It\u2019s a quick read, but it\u2019s packed with useful info, encouragement, and even excerpts straight from my own journal. You\u2019re not alone, and you can totally get through this!\u00a0<\/p>\n If you are finding yourself held back by a need for constant reassurance in relationships, I hope this post can show you that you are far from alone. This is a common issue among both men and women, but with patience, inner love, and self-discovery, it\u2019s possible to heal from this anxiety and move forward. Perhaps it\u2019s time you finally accept the beautiful love right in front of you.<\/p>\n You might also like these posts:<\/p>\nRelationship Reassurance \u2013 What\u2019s it All About<\/h2>\n
Why do I need constant reassurance in a relationship?\u00a0<\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\nWhy do I need reassurance in my relationship if it\u2019s such a good one?<\/span><\/h3>\n
How to Stop Needing Reassurance in a Relationship<\/h2>\n
Take time for yourself<\/h3>\n
Turn inward<\/h3>\n
Give journaling a try<\/h3>\n
Learn Inner Bonding<\/h3>\n
Learn to trust again<\/h3>\n
Figure out how to deal with uncertainty<\/h3>\n
![\"A](\"https:\/\/hvacvaluations.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/shutterstock_494427547.jpg\")
<\/p>\nDevelop skills for handling conflict<\/h3>\n
Discover what healthy reassurance means<\/h3>\n
\n<\/span><\/p>\nFind out your \u201clove languages\u201d<\/h3>\n
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\nGet My Book!<\/h2>\n
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